It started just over a year ago. I took it slowly at the beginning, even withholding a little bit to be honest. I knew myself enough to know that if I decided to be in this relationship I would have to commit to it 100%, and I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted. But in the end I was swept away and haven’t turned back, though at times I admit it feels like we are not connecting and I start to question our relationship. For a split second I’ll actually think about breaking up with her, but then I immediately remember the many sweet, divine moments that we’ve shared and I realize that leaving isn’t the answer. I just could never do it. She is the Ocean, and I am a surfer.
The Ocean is a great teacher and demands respect. Some days she is soft and gentle, other days she is fierce and raging…but she is always in control. If I come to Pohoiki (my local surf spot here on the Big Island of Hawaii) and get my butt kicked, I know it’s because I came full of ego, holding on to my emotions and disregarding what she has to offer. Ultimately it means I am working against her because I’m working against myself. But when I can be out there and let go completely of my thoughts and concerns with the world and the role I play in it, it means I can give her my full attention. When I feel the fear wash off of me the peace settles in and I can connect with her vibe, feeling her movements, listening to her guidance. In these moments ‘being’ is effortless, and the waves appear just in front of me.
She is my guru, and in this relationship I am learning how to live my life with more joy and trust in the process. When I have thoughts of surfing Pipe, I start thinking ahead to the skill I want which is many…many steps ahead of where I’m at, and this can lead to frustration. She’ll tolerate my ego driven desire for a while, but eventually she’ll give me either a gentle or rough reminder (depending on her mood) to be right here, right now. And this is a reminder for me to have patience in all aspects of my life, to accept and love myself at every moment.
I understand now the choice to be in this relationship really never was mine to make. I love her with all of my heart, she brings me peace and I am committed to her 100%. I could never leave her, I just couldn’t do it. She is the Ocean, and I am a surfer.